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Post by kingfish310 on May 31, 2005 19:21:53 GMT -5
XCW CHAMPIONS June 4th, 2005
The show opens with Mark Madden sitting at his desk in the studio filled with 250 screaming fans.
MARK MADDEN: Hello everyone, and welcome to another exciting edition of XCW Champions, the only old-school studio wrestling show still in existence today! We just came off The Battle in the Burgh PPV, and what a PPV it was! Old School, comprised of Steve Corino and C.W. Anderson, are the new tag champions. Vampiro the new International Champion, and Bruce the Giant laid out Ken Shamrock to become the XCW Champion of the World! Speaking of Bruce the Giant, he will be here IN ACTION tonight in a handicap match against two lambs to the slaughter I'm sure. He'll be up in a few minutes, so sit tight! Also, our fearless leader James Sims has booked the first ever "Trailer Park Drunken Brawl" tonight pitting The Sandman against "Fartboy" Dewayne Culpepper. This match will come to us via satellite relay from the Graystation Trailer Park in Blairsville, PA.
Also, I will have perhaps the richest human being I have ever met on X Marks the Spot in His Royal Highness, Prince Jacob Von Tratten. His Highness will have his massive Chief of Security/tamed gorilla Geoffery with him tonight. Also, Geoffery has been signed as the newest member of the XCW roster, and word has it that the Prince might use his considerable influence to land Geoffery a match here tonight. Will Geoffery be in action? Don't be a moron and change the channel to watch South Park or something asinine like that, all the action is RIGHT HERE!
Okay! Last order of business before the champ and Heyman arrive! Mr. Sims informed me at the Battle of the Burgh that I was to have a color commentator to announce with me starting here tonight. But, Mr. Sims said it would be a surprise! Now, I like surprises, and Mr. Sims always delivers big on his surprises, so I'm greatly anticipating this! I wonder who it'll be? Tony Schiavone? Bobby Heenan?
TEXTAt this point, "Freebird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd begins to play, and JERRY BEASELY makes his way to the broadcast table to join Madden. He is clad in his trademark t-shirt with iron-on heavy metal band du jour and ripped, dirty jeans and old-ass sneakers.
JERRY BEASELY: Hey, Madden! How's your fat ass doin!?
MARK MADDEN: Jerry Beasely!? No!!!
JB: You're d**n right, Madden! Sims hired me as a way to punish your fat, pasty white ass for all of the f**kin' snide comments you make out here! Sims thinks I can make dirty remarks better than you any d**n day! So, I'm here to stay in this motherf**kin' beyatch! And Madden, if ya don't like it, you can f**k off!
MM: I guess I don't have a choice! We'll be back with the CHAMPEEN, Bruce the Giant and Paul Heyman, right after this. Oh, and Beasely, given the condition of your son Kevin, the all-time losingest wrestler since Frank Williams, you have NO right to talk about my supposed "Fat pasty white ass!"
JB(Points finger at Madden): Shut the...F**K UP!!!
Cut to commercial
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Post by kingfish310 on May 31, 2005 19:54:51 GMT -5
***XCW CHAMPIONS-June 4th, 2005-Part two***
***The segment opens with the bell ringing to signal the beginning of the match on tap***
***Bruce the Giant(XCW World Champion) vs. "Heavy Duty" Tyler Pritts and Taka Michinoku***
***NOTE: This picks up after the introductions are made at the start of the match***
MARK MADDEN: Here we go! Bruce the Giant immediately hits a big boot to the face of Taka sending him clear out of the ring over the top rope!
JERRY BEASELY: Man! Taka f**kin' fell over like I do after about 20 shots of Jack Daniels!
MM: Thank you, oh future candidate for Cihrossis of the Liver! Now, Bruce is just pounding the holy hell out of Tyler Pritts. Bruce picks him up for a military press, and throws him right into the lap of his girlfriend sitting in the front row!
JB: That's the only way he's gonna get any from now on thanks to f**kin' Bruce! Unlike Madden here who is the f**kin' inspiration for The Comic Book Guy on The Simpsons! Both him and Madden NEVER get any at all!
MM: Whatever, fool! Paul Heyman throws Taka Michinoku back into the ring into the clutches of the Giant, who promptly choke-slams the daylights out of him. Bruce covers 1...2...Bruce pulls him up on orders from Heyman!
JB: Look at fatass Heyman grab S**ts, er, Pritts and throw him back into the ring, right into the arms of the f**kin' Giant! Jeez! Another f**kin' chokeslam!
MM: I guess you ARE capable of intelligent thought, Beasely! Bruce the Giant puts Pritts and Taka in a heap in the center of the ring, and puts his foot on the top of the pile 1...2...3!(Bell rings, and the old Dungeon of Doom theme music from WCW begins to play.)
RING ANNOUNCER: In 1 minute and 40 seconds, your winner, the XCW Champion of the World, Bruce the Giant!"
MM: Wow! What a showing by the champion! I think Shamrock and anyone else gunning for the title will have the fight of their lives. Right, Beasely?
***Silence***
***Beasely is distracted by young kids calling him a fat ass. He is telling them to "come get some!"***
MM: BEASELY! It's your turn to talk, ya know!
JB: I know that! I was taking care of business motherf**ker! Bruce the Giant and Paul Heyman make a unstoppable force, and any motherf**er who tries them is gonna be killed! I don't see that title leaving the Giant's waist anytime soon!
MM: Boy, you are a piece of work Beasely! Anyhow, when we come back, we will cut to the Graystation Trailer Park in Blairsville, PA for the first ever "Trailer Park Drunken Brawl" pitting the Sandman against Dewayne "Fartboy"Culpepper! Can the Extreme Icon take out a Hillbilly Hitman in his own environment? Stay tuned, and find out!
JB: I can hear the f**kin' banjo pickin already!
MM: WILL YOU STOP ALREADY, BEASELY!?
***Cut to commercial***
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Post by kingfish310 on May 31, 2005 21:15:33 GMT -5
***XCW Champions-June 4th, 2005- Part three***
MARK MADDEN: Welcome back! In a moment, we will cut to the Graystation Trailer Park in Blairsville, PA for the first ever Trailer Park Drunken Brawl! The extreme icon, The Sandman, will be facing off against Dewayne "Fartboy" Culpepper in Fartboy's OWN trailer park where he was born and raised! His equally disgusting brother "Fatboy" will be there, as well as his "Momma" Laverne, and about two dozen other hillbillies rooting him on!
JERRY BEASELY: F**kin' right, Madden! The Sandman is gonna find out that the mean streets of Philly have nothing on a trailer park nestled deep in the mountains! Sandman will be beat, then will be unwilling f**kin' victim of "Deliverance Sex" by everyone living there! Makes me wish I was there in the f**kin' mix!!!
MM: Only you would actually look forward to "Deliverance Sex" Beasely! Hell, looking at you, I bet your family tree has very few, if any branches on it! Let's go to the Trailer Park!
***The scene is the Graystation Trailer Park, Blairsville, PA. The Sandman comes into the park, Singapore cane over his shoulder and mutters "I am in the f**kin twilight zone, man!" in utter disbelief***
JB: Look, Madden! Sandman is f**kin' psyched outta his shoes already! All of the hillbillies are staring a f**kin' hole through him.(Laughs hysterically) Look! Ol' Jethro is licking his lips and smiling at him!!!"
MM: The Sandman looks like he just fell through the looking glass, so to speak. Wait! Fartboy has just climbed out of the dumpster filled with trash to Sandman's right. He lunges at Sandman, but Sandman drills him in the face with his Singapore cane!" His street skills came in handy there! What do you say to that, Beasely?
JB: Luck, Madden! Pure s**t ass luck!
MM: Well, Sandman is just beating the holy hell out of Fartboy with that cane! Sandman rears back, and splits it over his head in two! Fartboy is laid out and bleeding already! Sandman covers Fartboy in the middle of the road, but then Donald "Fatboy" Culpepper and Laverne "Momma" Culpepper jump him! Fartboy is slowly coming to as Fatboy holds him up for Momma to slap and berate him by saying:
MOMMA CULPEPPER: You need to f**kin' drink three f**kin' Rolling Rocks before you can pin him, goofy bastard!!!" You city boy sumunapregnant doges ain't s**t!"
JB: That's g**d**n right! A pin don't count unless you drink three f**kin' Rolling Rocks beforehand!
MM: What kind of ridiculous rule is that!?
JB: Madden, it's their f**kin' match! They make the rules, dumbass!
MM:What a third grade comeback, Beasely! Back to this "match"! Both of the Hillbilly Hitmen are pounding the Sandman. Fartboy hits a guillotine legdrop from the porch of one of the trailers! Fatboy then splashes the Sandman! Momma then stomps Sandman right in the gonads(Momma then follows up with "dumb nuts city boy!")! Fatboy gets a cooler and throws three beers to Fartboy. Fartboy chugs all three in succession, and covers the Sandman 1...2... and three quarters! Sandman not done yet!
JB: He can't f**kin' last, Madden! He's fighting a whole trailer park, not just Fartboy!
MM: Fartboy picks up the Sandman and takes him further into the trailer park. Fartboy throws Sandman face first into the back of an old beat up van. The back door opens and some toothless hag slaps him in the face! Evidently he interrupted some Kissing Cousins going at it while watching Smokey and the Bandit for the 800th time!
JB: That's a d**n good movie, Madden! WHOA! Fartboy just slammed the door right on the Sandman's back as he was gettin' the f**k outta that van. Sandman's hurting now!
MM: Fartboy goes and gets three more Rolling Rock Beers out of the styrofoam cooler and chugs them. He goes for the cover 1...2... No! Sandman gets the shoulder up!
JB: Sandman should just give the f**k up! The odds are too long!
MM: He has that "Never Say Die!" attitude that he picked up on the mean streetss of Philly! That's just not happening, Beasely! Fatboy picks up Sandman and holds him up. Fartboy has a 2 X 4 and is measuring the Sandman. He swings, and hits his brother instead! Fartboy has a buzz now, and his reflexes and timing are off! Fartboy swings again, and busts out a car window! Sandman slips behind Fartboy, and gives him a low-blow!
JB: Oh f**k! Fartboy is getting buzzed pretty bad! It's just like when he gets hammered and tries to shoot cans with his 9. Everybody stays in their f**kin' trailers cause they don't want to get shot! He can't hit his target to save his life! S**T!!!
MM: Well, that's what happens when hillbillies try to actually think, Beasely! Sandman has recovered and he is stomping a mudhole in Fartboy! He grabs the 2 x 4 and chokes Fartboy almost to the point of unconsciousness. Sandman polishes off three Rolling Rocks and covers Fartboy 1...2...Fatboy brakes it up with a boot to the head!
JB: That's it, Fatboy! F**K him up!"
MM: Sandman turns and lays out Fatboy with the 2 x 4! Momma tries to interfere, but Sandman grabs her and takes her over to the Kissing Cousins van. She's fighting him screeching "Sumunapregnant dog! Let me the f**k go!" Sandman throws open the door and tosses her in there. The hillbilly in there sticks his head out, and Sandman lays him out with one punch! He slams the door shut and shoves a piece of wood through the handles. The door is barricaded shut, and she can't interfere!
JB: C'mon! You are in your f**kin' element out there, guys!
MM: Fartboy swings, and misses Sandman by about three feet! Sandman slams him on the ground, and climbs to the top of a trailer roof. Sandman hits a guillotine legdrop of his own! Sandman chugs three Rolling Rocks and covers Fartboy 1...2... Fatboy tries a diving headbutt, but misses and hits his brother. Sandman throws him into the nearby lake, and turns his attention back to Fartboy. Sandman grabs a trash can and stuffs it upside down on Fartboy. Sandman grabs a busted up Hitachi Grill and bashes it into the front of the can. Fartboy is down with the can over his head rolling around on the ground(Madden starts laughing like crazy at this point)!
JB: Shut up, Madden! It ain't f**kin' funny! I think they have one more card to play, and here it comes!
MM: My gosh! It's Beasely's kid, Kevin waddling down the road finishing off a McSheetz hamburger! Sandman doesn't even see him coming toward him. S**t! Kevin Beasely zaps Sandman with a taser! Down he goes!
JB: S**t yeah! That's my boy!
MM: Kevin Beasely pulls off the trash can from Fartboy's head. Kevin throws Fartboy three cans of beer. Fartboy chugs them and covers Sandman 1...2...3!!!
JB: Fartboy f**kin' wins! Let the Deliverance sex begin!
MM: Man, I can't stand those freakin hillbillies! Wait! Our director says Mr. Sims is on the line. Let's patch him through!
MR. SIMS: Not so fast! Kevin Beasely screwed up! Kevin gave Fartboy three cans of Mountain Dew, not Rolling Rock beer. That pinfall doesn't count, and this match is hereby restarted!
JB: Aw, s**t!!! Kevin, you're even f**kin' dumber than you're old man!
MM: Hey, YOU called it Beasely! Fartboy is pissed at Kevin Beasely, throwing the three empty cans of Mountain Dew at his head. Kevin accidentally zaps Fartboy with the taser! He's down and twitching! Sandman recovers and boots Kevin in the rearend. Kevin goes rolling down a nearby hill like a log(Madden laughs hysterically)! Sandman grabs three cans of Rolling Rock and chugs two. He beats the third one on his head in true Sandman style and chugs it as well! Sandman covers Fartboy 1...2...3!!!
JB: Dammit!!! I'm gonna tan Kevin's f**kin' hide when he gets home! He cost Fartboy that match by giving him Mountain f**kin' Dew!
MM: Street smarts beat Trailer Park depravity anyday, Beasely!!! Besides, I can't help it that you're son's IQ is equal to his shoe size!
JB: Madden, you're a d**k!
MM: That's original, Beasely! We'll be back with X Marks the Spot and Jacob Von Tratten as my guest right after this!
JB: I'll stick my shoe up your fat ass, Madden!
***Cut to commercial as Sandman stands on the roof of a trailer chugging another Rolling Rock and raising his Singapore cane high above his head***
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Post by kingfish310 on Jun 1, 2005 15:31:20 GMT -5
***XCW CHAMPIONS-June 4th, 2005-Part Four***
***The segment opens w/ Mark Madden sitting at his desk located on the "X Marks the Spot" set.***
MARK MADDEN: Welcome back! Luckily, we don't have to deal with Jerry Beasely for this segment of the show! In a moment, I will have Prince Jacob Von Tratten as my guest here on X Marks the Spot.
***Geoffery orders Madden to stand up and step away from his desk, then he roughly frisks Madden. When he is satisfied that Madden isn't a security risk, he goes back by the curtain and takes his post.***
***At this point, the Royal Herald steps out into the studio and grabs a microphone.***
ROYAL HERALD: Presenting, His Royal Highness, Jacob Von Tratten, Prince of Halifar!
***The King Jerry Lawler's music hits and Von Tratten enters the studio. He takes three steps into the studio and stops and surveys the crowd. Geoffery maintains a fearsome presence behind the Prince. The Prince then makes his way to Madden's desk.***
MM: Your Highness! How are you this evening? Please! Take a seat!
PRINCE JACOB: Mr. Madden, I cannot and will not sit on that flithy couch! I think your chair behind your desk will do quite nicely! You do agree with me, Mr. Madden, do you not?
***Geoffery thens approaches Madden from the side with a menacing stare.***
MM: Of course, Your Highness! My chair is your chair! My desk is your desk!
PJ: Thank you so much, Mr. Madden! YOU can sit on the couch if you'd prefer!
***Madden sits down on the couch. Prince Jacob sits down behind the desk with Geoffery standing guard right behind him.***
MM: Your Highness, many people have been asking about where you come from. But, many of us have never heard of Halifar! Where exactly is it located?
PJ: An explanation as to the location of my country would probably be lost on you and your unsophisticated friends(shoots a glance at Jerry Beasely at the action desk), but nonetheless, Halifar is located in Western Europe just scant miles away from the eastern border of Portugal.
MM: That's interesting. Anyway, Your Highness, you have a very formidable background in submission wrestling. You have demonstrated your vast skills on two occasions for us. How did you learn to be such a skilled and tough shooter?
PJ: As I've mentioned before Mr. Madden, wrestling is my passion! I've followed the sport ever since I was a youngster being instructed in the arts of Sovereignty. Being a Royal, I can afford the best of everything, irregardless of cost! Thus, my father, His Majesty King Randolph III, had the best and most legendary shooters come to the Royal Palace to instruct me in the arts of shooting and submission wrestling. When you combine that with the natural athletic ability that the Von Tratten line possesses, you cannot help but succeed!
MM: Your Highness, what are your goals here in Xtreme Champions of Wrestling?
PJ: Simple Mr. Madden! I want first and foremost to win the World Championship held by that Big Galoot Bruce the Giant. Once that goal is accomplished, I will restore honor and integrity to that championship that unfortunately is already tainted by common hands! Right now, my goal is to settle the score with Night Tiger! As I've mentioned before, magic tricks, acts of illusion, and elaborate videos of churches and graveyards do not scare me. You may have gotten lucky in our last encounter, but this war is far from over! I will stretch and hook you to within an inch of your life when we meet again, and that's a promise!
MM: Your Highness, I understand you've signed Geoffery, your Security Chief, to the roster here in XCW. What can we expect from Geoffery.
PJ: Mr. Madden, you, your shabby colleagues(shoots another glare at Beasely, who in turns yells "F**k off, Princey!" Geoffery starts in Beasely's direction, but The Prince stops him) Geoffery, he's not worth your trouble! Anyhow, you, Beasely there, and everyone else associated with or following XCW can expect wanton destruction from Geoffery! Although his primary roles are as my security chief and bodyguard, he also has ambitions of his own. So, he has obtained his wrestling license and is ready to compete. So ready, in fact, that his first bout is tonight!
MM: Really, Your Highness? But Geoffery isn't on my run sheet!
PJ: Do not worry about that, Mr. Madden. Your boss, James Sims, received a sizable check this morning from one of my accountants in exchange for getting Geoffery a match here this evening. Geoffery, get ready!
***Geoffery removes his sunglasses, overcoat, and suit jacket and climbs into the ring.***
MM: Your Highness, he's certaintly an imposing figure! But, who is he wrestling?
PJ: The Royal Herald will take care of that!
RH: His Royal Highness hereby declares a open challenge for anyone wishing to compete against Geoffery, Chief of Royal Security, here this evening!
PJ: Well, any comers? There must be one man in that locker room with at least a little bit of courage to face my Geoffery!
***A minute passes***
PJ: Just as I suspected! All weaklings!
***At this point, Wrath comes out from behind the curtain, shoving the Royal Herald aside. As Wrath enters the ring, Geoffery hits a boot to Wrath's head. The bell rings, and a referee hits the ring. Madden returns to the "action desk" alongside Jerry Beasely.
MM: Well, it looks like Geoffery's debut is going to be a hard one! He's facing a hard-assed tough guy in Wrath!
JERRY BEASELY: Yeah, but Geoffery is whoopin' on Wrath like a red-headed stepchild, Madden! What match you watching?
MM: Beasely, I'm watching the match where Wrath is firing back on Geoffery with some scintillating rights! Wrath backs Geoffery into the corner and mounts the second turnbuckle and unloads on Geoffery's head. Geoffery shoves Wrath off though. WOW! A freakin' dropkick sends Wrath back to the mat!!!
JB: This guy's a freak of f**kin' nature!
***At this point, Prince Jacob makes his way to the action desk with another security guard toting Madden's desk chair behind him and rubs off a headset with his handkerchief before putting it on and sitting down next to Madden. His security agent takes his place behind him.***
PJ: Mr. Madden, this isn't some lumbering oaf that is common of most super-heavyweight wrestlers here in the States. Geoffery is a legitimate athlete!
MM: Sure seems that way, Your Highness! Geoffery hits a legdrop and covers Wrath 1....2...., big kickout by Wrath! Geoffery picks up Wrath and hits a big vertical suplex. Geoffery once again picks up Wrath and lifts him up for a slam, but Wrath slips behind him and secures a waistlock, pushing Geoffery into the ropes for a rolling cradle. Wrath rolls Geoffery up 1....2...., Geoffery rolls over the rollover! 1....2...., Wrath grabs the bottom rope, necessitating a break!
JB: F**kin' wow!! He can wrestle too!
PJ: Mr. Beasely, you can't possibly contribute any intelligent insight to this match, so please, don't speak again!
JB: Look the f**k here, Princey...
MM: I agree wholeheartedly, Your Highness!
PJ: You are not much better, Mr. Madden! I tolerate you so that I don't have to speak as much!
MM: Silence is Golden, Your Highness! Especially in Beasely's case! Back to action! Geoffery headbutts Wrath and knocks him into the ropes. Geoffery sends Wrath off and tries a dropkick, but Wrath holds on and Geoffery hits nothing but air, falling to the mat! Wrath is staging a comeback!
PJ: Just a minor setback, Mr. Madden!
MM: Wrath hits a running kneedrop to Geoffery's sternum. Wrath covers 1....2...., Geoffery with a huge kickout! Wrath went flying! Wrath hits the ropes, missile dropkick to Geoffery's head! Wrath with the cover 1....2...., another huge kickout! Wrath is clear out of the ring! Wrath goes to the top rope, and hits a flying elbowsmash! 1....2...., Geoffery gets a shoulder up!
MM: Wrath is arguing with the referee in the corner! Geoffery charges right at both of them, and misses them both with a failed avalanche! Wrath charges at Geoffery in the corner, Stinger Splash! Wrath measures Geoffery, hits a second splash. Wrath hits the corner, tries a third, but gets his head kicked off by a superkick from Geoffery!
PJ: YES! Take it to him, Geoffrey!
MM: Geoffery is making his way to the top rope! Is the rope going to hold that big Son of a pregnant dog!? Geoffery measures Wrath, and hits a Guillotine legdrop!
JB: He just crushed Wrath's f**kin' head!!!
MM: Wrath is down and hurt! Geoffery hooks the leg 1....2....3!(Bell rings.)
***Lawler's entrance music begins to play again, and the Royal Herald takes the mic.***
RH: The winner of this contest, His Royal Highness' Royal Head of Security, Geoffery!
***Prince Jacob's other security man spreads the ropes for the Prince to enter the ring. The Prince shakes Geoffery's hand with a big smile on his face. The Prince then raises Geoffery's arm, shooing the referee away.***
JB: I'll give him credit for beating Wrath, but he's still Magilla F**kin' Gorilla to me!
MM: Beasely, Magilla F**king Gorilla is a huge prospect here in XCW! Either him or His Royal Highness could win ANY title here in XCW! Could you imagine the two of them together against Old School for example?
JB: There would be new f**kin' tag champs, that's for sure!
MM: Yeah, and they would have enough class to win without having to go to a trailer park and chug a dozen beers to do it!
JB: Hey, I'm a redneck through and through! So is my boy Kevin! Even if he is a f**kin' dumb s**t who cost Fartboy that match. Bottom line, You, AND Princey for that matter can kiss my rosy red ass!
MM: Which acre, Beasely? Man, Did I piss off Mr. Sims or something to draw this assignment? Well, that's all for XCW Champions this week! Tune in next week for more old-school studio wrestling the way you like it!
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